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| 6/13:
This has to be a quick update because I'm sitting outside someone's house in a strange  neighborhood steal...uh...borrowing their wireless internet connection. The trick is to hold up a road map as if I'm totally lost every time they come to their window to look out at me. Anyway, I've been at camps for 4 weeks straight....which is great for saving souls but not for getting emails or updating my website. Colter's been traveling with me to all the camps and, all though some think I'm giving him too much caffeine, I think he's having the time of his life. Here's a pic of him to the right in our cabin in Lone Star, TX. Maybe I should have taken the picture after he put the visine in his eyes. Two days ago Colter went fishing down by the docks. He caught two catfish and Perch-aranah which is a cute perch that will bite you the second you put your foot in the water. I was proud of him until the next day when the camp director said, "Have you guys seen my pet fish that I feed down by the docks?" I felt really....uh...hang on road diary readers...... I have to go now. There's a guy coming out of the house with the wireless connection and is walking to my car. I'll update more when I can find another house!
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| Man...what a week and a half! It started with me flying to Borger, TX. That place is rockin fun with their awesome Walmart and their...uh...did I mention their Walmart all ready? Here's a few true facts about Borger that made me laugh: 1. When you walk into their music store, they have a huge selection of cassette tapes with signs saying "New Release!" on many of them. They haven't made cassette tapes since the 90's when I was 12 years old. I asked one of the workers where their 8-Track section was. She rolled her eyes and said, "8-tracks are so out of style. We haven't sold 8-tracks for months! Step into the 90's long haired dude!" 2. In their school's music room they had a banner taped to the wall that said, "Never settle for less than your best!" but part of the banner was peeling off the wall because there wasn't enough tape put on it. So even the person that hung the banner didn't do his or her best! 3. They play this game in Borger called the "Windmill Spotting Game". Its really complicated and there are a ton of rules to it but I will try my best to explain how to play so that the rest of the world can get in on the craze! Rule 1: Look for windmills. Rule 2: Shout out, "There's a windmill!" Rule 3: The driver of the car honks the horn. Rule 4: Other drivers then signal back at you thinking that you are honking at them. Its an awesome game...mostly because everyone in Borger evidently owns a windmill! The other true fact is that people in Borger are super cool. Everyone in the town is awesome and I know because I drove around for 17 minutes and met everyone. I also spoke at their baccalaureate where, and I promise I'm not making this up, the guy who led the closing prayer was named Les Sharp! Les Sharp! I would have changed my first name to "Incredibly" or "Sureis" or "BeCarefullI'mVery" or anything besides "Les". At the very least I would go by "Lester"! So you have to hand it to the guy for hanging in there with the name he was given! I also wore a tie for the first time in 4 years. Someone took a picture of me in it and in four weeks they should have it developed, back from the lab and handed over to the pony express. When I get it I'll try to put it up on here. I look very adult with it on....it reminds me of Halloween when I always try to dress as an adult! 
I then flew home Friday morning and drove 4 hours to Southlake Church to do a show for my old college roommate Todd Thomas. He just took a Youth Leader job and is trying to get his youth group to start...uh...you know...being a youth group! He told me that he didn't think many would show up. I told him that I did a show once for 8 people so if its more than that he has nothing to worry about. Imagine how relieved he was when that ninth person walked through the door! If you count Todd, his wife and their son...oh...and me then we had 13! To their credit they were one of the smartest crowds ever. With only 9 people there for the  show, it was easy to tell who laughed and who didn't get it and they laughed the whole time. I even did an extra 10 minutes just because we were having fun. However, toward the end a mosh pit broke out and I had to stop the show before anyone got hurt. I also made good money thanks to the fact that Hunter didn't know I really did know how to play pool!
I then swung by my parents old house and picked up their boat to take to their new house. At 2:17AM I met a really nice police officer who thought that my truck and boat where both speeding. Colter got me out of the ticket, though. He woke up when the cop got to my window. Colter leaned over and said, "A police officer! Is he here to protect us?"  Got to love that kid!!! The cop said, "I see you're teaching your kid right so I'm going to let you off with a warning." I got home at 4:15AM and got a huge 2 hour sleep before flying to Spirit West Coast. I went from doing a show for 9 people to doing a show for 2,500 packed out Tent! I'm actually in a hotel right now and am getting picked up in 12 minutes so I'll give you the quick version of Spirit West Coast. Two friends of mine, "Paper Eater" and "Hugs for a Dollar" (see: long story that doesn't even make sense once you hear it) go every year. Well, Hugs for a Dollar taunted me for months before Spirit West Coast that she was going to be tanner than me. Paper Eater showed up with what appeared to be a white sheet over a spot light. I was instantly blinded only to find out that the white orb was actually Hugs for a dollar. Hugs is the one in the above picture on my left, your right. I used photoshop to tone her down so that you, my readers, dont get blinded. However, if you have dark shades on you can view the way the photo looks before I retouched Hug's skin tone. The original picture is below. Have a Christ-filled day my friends and try to shine for others...just like Hugs below:
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| 5/2:
My neighbor got all new boards for his fence and asked me if I wanted the old ones. They were the perfect kind I was looking for in that they were free so I said, "Yes!" So Scott dropped about 40 boards over the back of our fence. Wendy later said, "What are you going to do with all those boards? I dont want them junking up our backyard!" I actually thought that was pretty funny because the boards were laying by an old toilet, broken mountain bike and a canoe so the junk yard was all ready operational but I told her not to worry that I had a great idea in mind and sure enough 3 years later I figured out what to do with them! So 40  boards, 673 nails and a few pauses to scream, hold my thumb and hop around the yard later...The Spider Clubhouse was built! We named it the Spider clubhouse because the boards where full of spiders who probably thought the boards would never be used. We also went with that name because I knew how to spell it! I haven't had time to put the toilet in yet but I think its really going to add to the resale value of our house! Wendy was so shocked and excited that she couldn't even say anything. She just showed her joy by rolling her eyes and walking back into the house! This is going to be an awesome summer!!! | | |
| Hey Guys,
The long version of this plan appears below but the short version is that if we want Gas prices to come down, we all stop buying gas from Exxon and Mobile until they lower their prices down to $1.30. I've actually looked into it and there really is no reason that gas prices are this high except that we keep paying whatever they put. So if we all dont buy from Exxon and Mobile, they will keep lowering their price until we start buying it...then the other stations will have to follow to keep up. This will work if enough people do it so send this to everyone (I've never actually said that before and ment it). Here's the longer version.
GAS WAR - an idea that WILL work
> >
> > Join the resistance!!!! I hear we are going to
> > hit close to $ 4.00 a gallon by next summer and it might
> > go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down? We
> > need to take some intelligent, united action.
> >
> > Phillip Hollsworth offered this good idea. This makes
> > MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain
> > day" campaign that was going around last April or May!
> > The oil companies just laughed at that because they
> > knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by
> > refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience
> > to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever
> > thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can
> > really work. Please read on and join with us!
> >
> > By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at
> > about $1.50 is
> >
> > super cheap. Me too! It is currently
> > $2.79 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the
> > oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us
> > to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at
> > $1.50 - $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to
> > teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace..not
> > sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each
> > day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we
> > are going to see the price of gas come down is if we
> > hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their
> > gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves.
> > How?
> >
> > Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop
> > buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if
> > we all act together to force a price war.
> >
> > Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T
> > purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies
> > (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not
> > selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their
> > prices. If they reduce their prices, the other
> > companies will have to follow suit. But to have an
> > impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon
> > and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do! Now,
> > don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and
> > I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of
> > people!!
> >
> > I am sending this note to over 30 people. If each of us
> > send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and
> > those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 =
> > 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches
> > the sixth group of people, we will have reached over
> > THREE MILLION consumers.
> >
> > If those three million get excited and pass this on to
> > ten friends each, then 30 million people will have
> > been contacted! If it goes one level further, you
> > guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
> >
> > Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people.
> > That's all!
> > (If you don't understand
> >
> > how we can reach 300 million
> > and all you have to do is send this to 10 people....
> > Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician.
> > But I am . so trust me on this one.) 
> >
> > How long would all that take? If each of us sends
> > this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of
> > receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be
> > contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you
> > didn't think you and I had that much potential, did
> > you! Acting together we can make a difference.
> >
> > If this makes sense to you, please pass this message
> > on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL
> > THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP
> > THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.
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| My wife begged me to take one of those sissy classes they have up at the YMCA. It was called “Body Pump”. She explained, “You listen to pop music while lifting!”
“Yea, that sounds like a “real workout“!”, I said even doing the finger quotes where they needed to go to show the right amount of sarcasm.
My first problem with the class was that all the weights were mislabeled. I grabbed two 10 pound weights and put them on my bar. The girl in front of me did the same. Half way through the song, I could no longer lift my bar whereas the girl in front of me seemed to be having trouble keeping her bar from flying up into the air toward the ceiling. The weights were obviously different but labeled the same.
The second problem with the class was that we lifted non-stop till each song ended. Most pop songs are only 3 minutes long but they seemed to be playing some strange extended “VH1 Story Teller’s” version of each song. I don’t remember Avril Lavigne ever playing a 12 minute song on the radio before.
At one point, I shouted out, “I think the C.D. is hung!” The instructor said, “No its not and you are suppose to have weights on your bar.”
That brings us to another problem: the instructor. She had either grown up near a nuclear reactor or been dipped in a vat of some unknown chemical causing her to have a body that would easily fit through a large McDonald straw yet she was lifting a bar that had two Ford Focuses tied on each end. She also shouted constantly over the 15 minute songs encouraging us to keep lifting. The amazing thing is that she did this without sounding out of breath at all. So either she was lip syncing to a prerecorded tape or she had some strange super power.
“Come on Bob, work your Glute!”, she shouted while lifting her own two cars over her head. I wanted to shout, “Mind your own business, you giant Glute Head!” but instead I came back with a less wittier, “Sugluglinhiffle” followed by a manly whimper that let her know that I meant what I said! The girl in front of me who was still lifting her helium filled weights turned and said, “Did you just spit on me?” As if I still had any spit left in my cotton gasping mouth. Wendy, my wife, was also having major trouble getting through the program but it was because she kept laughing at something. The person on the other side of her must have been really funny because Wendy was constantly looking away from me and bursting out in hysterics. Oh! And another thing I didn’t like about the class was they had little ninjas hidden around the room that would secretly shoot transparent rubber bands at the muscles you were trying to work out. We were doing “lunges” which is where you put one leg way back until your bent foot started cramping. Then you leaned forward with your other leg until your front knee cap pop out of socket. You then start leaning back and forth repeatedly while Rob Thomas sang for 18 minutes about how “Smooth” everything was. On my third lunge I felt a stinging, burning, popping and I don’t know if I mentioned stinging yet but a really bad stinging sensation on the back of my ham string just below my “Instructor“ or Glute for you doctors reading this. I looked back and couldn’t see the rubber band or the person who shot it at me. However, it happened again right after I got into my cramping, knee cap busting stance again. I don’t know if this was some kind of initiation for first timers to the class or what but it was annoying. I probably wont go back because of it!
The YMCA has babysitting until 1:30PM. There wasn’t a clock in our torture room so I began to worry that it was time to pick up our kids. I whispered to Wendy, “Would you stop laughing for a second and tell me what time it is?”
She said, “Its 10:15. We’re half way through!”
I gasped, “Half way through? There is no way that the class can be 4 hours! What time did we start?”
“9:45. Come on, this is fun. You are doing really well for yourhahahahahahaaaaaaaaa”, she replied turning her head again to laugh at the person on the other side of her. I later figured out that the loud music they played was not to keep time to the lifting but to keep you from hearing your bones snap. You obviously can’t feel your arms or legs after the first 3 minutes so the only way you realize you’ve been injured is by the sound. They play the loud music so you cant stop and sue them right then. What happens is you hobble out of the class and only later as you are laying out in the parking lot shouting out random words (see: I went with “Mommy”) do you realize you are hurt and then its too late to sue them.
Anyway, I can’t wait to go back. I’m not going to work out again, though. I’m going to set up a booth outside of the class and sell bricks to first timers so that they’ll still be able to push down the gas pedals on their car after the workout. I guess the trick to doing this class right is technique. Pick the helium filled weights, stand where its hard for the ninjas to get you and have someone there to make you laugh the entire time. Hope that helps you YMCAers out there. Also, if there’s anything misspelled in this letter, its Colter’s fault. He’s typing all this because I still cant lift my arms. | | |
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